So often people choose to label things as either 'good' or as 'bad' when sometimes a Good thing can be just Bad for you!
For example:
-- Garlic and certain hot[ish] peppers can be good for you, BUT my system does not like those things so I must consume them in much smaller amounts.
-- Cashews are healthy nuts, BUT I developed a sensitivity to them during my pregnancy and that sensitivity had remained with me.
-- Certain vitamins, minerals, and other nutrients can be GOOD for you, But in 'higher than recommended' amounts they can be quite BAD for you to the point of causing illness.
I am [by choice] not in contact/communication with certain 'Near Relatives' [aka what some people refer to as 'Family']. A few months ago, I decided to reallow limited contact with one of these people [she was showing me respect regarding other things]. What ended up happening -- basically inside of me -- is that I realized that we are just as distant and non-communicative and out-of-touch with each other's lives as we have always been. But more than that, since I do share Stories regarding trauma and abuse [some original and some as shared posts from other people], and since I can see that this person looks at those things, that I found myself feeling like I was being watched and observed from a distance [hello flashback to my Ex's funeral which she attended as a 'family representative' and did the same: I saw her doing it while I interacted people who knew K.]. And since she is in contact with those other persons who I am choosing to remain disconnected from, I am aware that she could be spying and sharing things which they are blocked from seeing -- I just do not know. But since there is the RISK of this, I have come to the realization that for my own well-being that I must end contact with her. She is not a Bad person, she is just Not Good for Me.
She, like the other people who I am No Contact with, is good in her own way but not good - because of the past abuse and neglect which happened to me - for me to have as part of my life. All of these people have either been a direct party to the abuse [sometimes being used to hurt me without realizing that it was happening], have taken a stance of direct support of an abusive individual, or have remained silent about the abuse/neglect [which by that very action is actually supporting the abuser]. I cannot have that in my life... and I WILL NOT allow it in my life.
So, I am moving on.
I am letting go of the dream for mutual communication and shared interests from any of them [vs. one-sided conversations: informative, guiding or suggesting, or being in need of support] and getting on with my life. I do not want to live with a concern regarding possible retribution or retaliation from someone [I've seen that type of behavior before, so I know that it is possible], so it has to be this way. I will not regress to a lesser version of myself; I will not go back to being who I WAS. I am growing, I am healing, and I am learning.
Life goes on.
Rachel
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